no we’re not looking for violence.
have u ever accidentally befriended someone who is very very irritating
Posted on June 18, 2013 · with 83812 notes
districtnineand-three-quarters:
if this eggplant gets less than 5 million notes i’m going to be so upset
Reblogging because eggplant
Fewer than 5 million notes. Fewer. Not less.
I believe that it is called an aubergine.
IN AMERICA WE LET EGGS BE PLANTS BECAUSE FREEDOM
In Britain we let those AUBERGINES live once we heal them with our FREE HEALTH CARE
NOBODY CARES, ENGLAND
at least America came up with their own word and didn’t steal ours
you used the wrong flag France
Hey! Hey, guys! Canada likes eggplants - or aubergine - what ever you want to call it - too!
Can we be included in this!?
Tumblr is the only place I can think of where a picture of an eggplant turns into a battle between countries.
dammit guys the eggplant hasn’t even reached 5 million notes yet
I just laughed for a solid five minutes at the white flag. Jesus.
Remember when Katy Perry found a loaded gun in Rihanna’s purse during the VMA’s.
going to reblog this daily
Posted on June 18, 2013 · with 126458 notes
watch your fav disney movies :’D (will be redirected after 10-15 seconds)
did i just die and go to heaven?
for anon.
im sure ill need this sooner or later
all my favorite old movies! hopefully they’ll get 2009-2012 soon :’)
brings back memories :)
- Person: hi
- Me: it's Paul McCartney's birthday
One: Buy condoms. Buy them and keep them with you at all times, and use them before you are asked to use them. And use them every time. The peace of mind you allow your partner will free her to be vulnerable with you, and that, my son, is exactly what sex is about. Condoms are sexy. In fact, call buying condoms foreplay.
(Footnote: If you are too embarrassed to buy condoms, you are not ready to have sex.)
Two: Kissing is not merely foreplay. Spend entire evenings making out on the couch while fully clothed. Believe me, dry-humping rocks.
Three: Sex is not just about friction. It’s about emotion. Stop trying to find her clitoris and find her heart. Because then she’ll help you find her clitoris.
Four: If you really wanna know how to please a woman, ask her how she masturbates. Then do that. A lot. If she claims she doesn’t masturbate, offer to take her shopping for a vibrator so you can both learn the vocabulary of her body together.
Five: Don’t put anything in her butthole you wouldn’t want in your own.
(Footnote: Try a pinky finger, it’s kinda awesome.)
Six: When you go down on her—and you will go down on her, and if you are my son, you will be amazing at it—tell her how good she tastes. Stop in the middle and kiss her deeply so she knows how good she tastes. Do the same when she goes down on you.
Seven: A simple Google search will yield 1,327 euphemisms for male masturbation, yet only 23 for female masturbation. If guys spent less time jacking off and more time jilling off, this world would be a happier place.
Eight: Everything you need to know about the importance of the clitoris is in the movie Star Wars. You are Luke Skywalker piloting your penis-shaped X-Wing Fighter deep inside her trench. Remember: seventy percent of all Death Stars cannot be blown up through penetration of the trench alone. It must be through focused contact with that little exhaust port at the top of the trench. Otherwise, any explosions you experience will be merely Hollywood special effects.
Nine: Just because you come doesn’t mean she has, so don’t you dare come before her. Focus completely on your partner. Don’t worry about gettin’ yours, you’re a guy. You always get yours. Your job is to make sure she’s gettin’ hers.
Ten: If sex with your partner lasts no longer than this poem, you are not making love. You are masturbating with her body instead of your hand. Shame on you. Go back to step one. You’ve got a lot of learning to do.
Love, Dad.
(Footnote: If you are too embarrassed to buy condoms, you are not ready to have sex.)
Two: Kissing is not merely foreplay. Spend entire evenings making out on the couch while fully clothed. Believe me, dry-humping rocks.
Three: Sex is not just about friction. It’s about emotion. Stop trying to find her clitoris and find her heart. Because then she’ll help you find her clitoris.
Four: If you really wanna know how to please a woman, ask her how she masturbates. Then do that. A lot. If she claims she doesn’t masturbate, offer to take her shopping for a vibrator so you can both learn the vocabulary of her body together.
Five: Don’t put anything in her butthole you wouldn’t want in your own.
(Footnote: Try a pinky finger, it’s kinda awesome.)
Six: When you go down on her—and you will go down on her, and if you are my son, you will be amazing at it—tell her how good she tastes. Stop in the middle and kiss her deeply so she knows how good she tastes. Do the same when she goes down on you.
Seven: A simple Google search will yield 1,327 euphemisms for male masturbation, yet only 23 for female masturbation. If guys spent less time jacking off and more time jilling off, this world would be a happier place.
Eight: Everything you need to know about the importance of the clitoris is in the movie Star Wars. You are Luke Skywalker piloting your penis-shaped X-Wing Fighter deep inside her trench. Remember: seventy percent of all Death Stars cannot be blown up through penetration of the trench alone. It must be through focused contact with that little exhaust port at the top of the trench. Otherwise, any explosions you experience will be merely Hollywood special effects.
Nine: Just because you come doesn’t mean she has, so don’t you dare come before her. Focus completely on your partner. Don’t worry about gettin’ yours, you’re a guy. You always get yours. Your job is to make sure she’s gettin’ hers.
Ten: If sex with your partner lasts no longer than this poem, you are not making love. You are masturbating with her body instead of your hand. Shame on you. Go back to step one. You’ve got a lot of learning to do.
Love, Dad.
Big Poppa E., “How To Make Love” (via perfect)
is masturbating while smoking weed called masturblazing
no its called highjacking
guys no it’s weedwhacking
no its called dissapointing ur mother
Posted on June 18, 2013 · with 63293 notes
this will never get old for me
this shirt would fit if it weren’t for boobs: a tragedy
that shirt would fit if i had boobs: the sequel
this shirt fits perfectly because my boobs are the right size: the fanfiction
my shirts always fit: a man’s tale
Posted on June 18, 2013 · with 108943 notes
“Princess baby sorry my writing
is so messy but my thumb hurts and it
won’t stop bleeding.
I love you so much baby, you really
are the greatest thing that’s ever
happened to me. You really have no idea
how much I love you babe.
I got some blood on this note, I hope
you don’t mind.
You’re totally my best friend and
I’ll always be here for you no matter what.
I’ll love you more than anyone else will.
You mean the world to me.
I can’t help but smile when
I see you because I feel so lucky to
have somebody like you
I’m in so much love with you.
I can’t wait to marry you Princess
You really mean the world to me.
I’d do anything for you babe
You’re the most gorgeous person alive it’s
hard to believe you’re all mine.
I’m never going to leave you and
I hope you never leave me.
I’m in so much love with you.
I love you Princess
-Anthony”-
-
-Found this in the gutter while I was out one day, and it’s by far the coolest/creepiest/saddest thing I’ve ever found.-
